Things NOT to say to your partner during postpartum

Congratulations to you and your partner! Pregnancy is an amazing, but difficult journey, and now it’s over. However, postpartum can be a long, difficult venture on its own. Often, postpartum can last up to two years after birth, despite the mainstream belief that it only lasts five-six weeks. During this time, your partner’s emotions will be high due to hormones and stress. Not only that, but your partner will be undergoing massive struggles and changes in their body.  

Being there for them is essential. Here are some things to not, under any circumstances, say to your partner going through postpartum. 

“We can fix this.”

Sometimes, we think that when our postpartum partner is struggling, the best thing we can offer is help. New dads, in particular, tend to think that fixing a mental health issue is the most important thing. However, instead, new parents should aim to utilize empathetic listening. Be physically and psychologically present, and don’t push to find a solution. Sometimes, your partner knows what the solution is already. What is more important is that you seek to understand and aim to connect. Those who may experience Postpartum Mental Health Disorder (PPMD) benefit greatly and reduce decline when supportive networks work together to reduce stressors, listen and communicate as well as navigation to onset and further development. 

“I don’t think parenting is that hard.” 

Oftentimes, parenting is labeled as an invisible labor. If you are stepping out of the house to work, you probably don’t see your partner working hard. However, parenting as a new mom can be physically draining. From feeding your baby to waking up sporadically through the night to care for it, being a new parent can drain someone greatly. Additionally, other tasks can be mentally draining: keeping track of feeding, doing research, coordinating/scheduling lactation appointments – all of this takes a toll on someone. So, parenting really is that hard! 

“I know you were up all night, but couldn’t you wake up the baby this time?”

If your partner is burning the midnight oil to take care of your baby while in recovery, it should be on you to wake up early to handle the morning routine. While this is perhaps controversial, your partner is still recovering from a traumatic event for their body. Offering to take over chores in the morning, even if you’re busy, can give them a very needed extra hour of rest. If you’re struggling to multitask, you can place your baby in a carrier on your chest, or bring a bouncing chair wherever needed. Additionally, this can be vital bonding time between you and your child. 

“Stop asking me to clean everything!” 

Again, your partner just gave birth. When two people agree to be parents, that means parenthood is a collaborative effort. You should be a second expert about proper baby food or breast milk storage, and you should contribute by keeping account of how many clean baby bottles are available. Help your partner. It will make you a better parent too. 

“You can make your own food.” 

Even if your partner may be home all day, or even out working, there are not always enough hours in the day to eat. Additionally, parenting at home can create an unclear schedule that makes it hard to prioritize essentials. 

“You’re being irrational.” 

This is a hard no. If your partner is expressing serious mental health problems, such as postpartum depression, they are not being irrational. While being a new parent is hard enough, after giving birth Mothers often are struggling with hormonal imbalances and chronic pain from being pregnant. This can greatly affect someone’s mental health. 

Recognizing that someone is struggling with self-worth, despair, hopelessness, or other mental health problems is the first part of helping. The second part is being there for them and not dismissing their problems as being irrational. 

Being a new parent is difficult for everyone, but you do not have to let your partner go at it alone and unsupported. Remember to listen to them today. Each day with your new tot will become easier as you both navigate this new life. 

Written By: Kaitlin Lee 

Sources: 

Brewster, Ariel. “How to Support Your Wife or Partner after Birth - Today’s Parent.” How to Support Your Partner After Birth, Today’s Parent, www.todaysparent.com/baby/postpartum-care/how-to-support-your-wife-after-birth/. Accessed 29 July 2024. 

Diamond, Rachel. “Supporting Your Postpartum Partner.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/preparing-for-parenthood/202402/supporting-your-postpartum-partner. Accessed 29 July 2024.